Oh You of Little Faith: Where I'm At

When I started this blog I wanted it to be a place where I could document life, but I also wanted it to be somewhere I could record my thoughts and be able to see, years down the road, how I've grown spiritually or allow others to see where I am not growing and call me out or encourage me.  So far I've been hesitant to post about my struggles and to be vulnerable here where I really don't know who all reads this blog.  Lately, I just feel the need to get things off my chest and put them out there hoping someone can relate and help me sort through the mess in my mind.

I've taken a break from blogging, as you can see, but not intentionally.  I didn't know what to post about and couldn't find the time long enough to sit down and write out what was occupying my thoughts.  Not much has happened around here to document except for the winter that seemed to last forever.  We've be SO busy but nothing that I took pictures of or felt like blogging about.  I would start to write a post with pictures of the snow up to the top of our balcony but I decided against it every time.  So, I guess today I'll attempt to get back in the swing of things by being transparent.  

These last few months, December-March, have been a particularly challenging time for me.  To say this winter was terrible would be an understatement.  I think I can pretty much speak for everyone when I say we were all sick of waking up to find our cars under feet of snow and at least I was growing weary of hearing every school and business closure on the radio during my sometimes very treacherous drive to work at 7am.  I grew up in the Valley of the Sun and never appreciated the always sunny forecast as much as I longed for it these past 4 months.  I am beginning to notice a trend in my moods that on days when I feel down for no particular reason, it's usually dark and overcast outside.  All winter long I battled the blues and I didn't know if it was because of the weather and lack of Vitamin D or other circumstances.  I ma so incredibly thankful that Spring is finally here and seems to be sticking around :)

I have been having a tough time adjusting to being a full time teacher (it's been 2 years but according to sources, I hear a teacher doesn't hit his/her stride until 5 years in…greeeaaat).  I am not entirely sure what it is that I am having such a hard time with but I have some thoughts.  This is my first full time job and when I say "full time" it's more like full time + more time.  The first year was really tough and I struggled with a lot of bitterness when after working a full day, I would then work on lessons until bedtime on on Saturdays and Sundays.  It's not quite like that anymore but a majority of the time I feel exhausted and have little time to pursue activities outside of work.  "Time" has become a major idol in my life and if I have to sacrifice "my time" for things I don't want to I can become very selfish :/  I often resent Zach for being a college student who doesn't have to be to school or work till after 10am and who has a flexible work schedule that allows him to take off easily when he needs to.  The kids bring a whole other dimension as I am not only a teacher but I also act like a counselor and a police officer.  Most days I feel like my brain can't handle keeping track of all the kids and their needs/struggles plus patrol the school to make sure no nonsense is going on and actually teach about the French Revolution.  All, I feel so inadequate doing and honestly don't care about at times.  Minor issues of resistance, obstinance, and disrespect can blow up in my mind as something so overwhelming and all I want to do is cry.

I could keep going but I'm too afraid of exposing my ugly selfish heart and attitude :/.  I said recently how I feel like I've taken a big bite of bitterness and I'm just chewing on nasty gall.  I know all of my thoughts/attitudes are ungodly and I keep pleading to God to help me out of this pit.  So easily do I doubt His love for me and His perfect plan for my life.  I get angry at Him for not giving me clarity or release from depressive mindsets I find myself in and then I feel so ashamed for my obvious lack of faith and trust.  My mind and outlook flip flops.  I'm very confused.  I love my job, I hate my job.  I love the kids I teach, I can't stand to be around the kids I teach.  My heart is so rotten.  I feel numb in my quiet prayer and reading times.    I've been here before.  My senior year of college looked a lot like my life looks now and the common element must be stress and unfortunately, this is how my brain handles it.  Something has to change.

Something will change.  God doesn't want me in this place.  He doesn't want me in dark places but He allows me to go through the dark times so I'll cling to Him all the more tightly.  I'm not sure where to go from here except press on and cling to the Savior who's promises far outweigh the trials of this life.  There's no quick fix to my thoughts and depression but I know I need to practice humility and obedience and thankfulness as my problems are almost always rooted in pride, selfishness, and thinking I know what I need better than God knows.  If you feel moved to pray, please do.  I could always use them :)

So, now that's it's Spring and we can FINALLY rejoin the living, hopefully I'll start posting more about the places life takes us.  We'll be debuting the GWS spring play, moving, and taking a nice long trip to Phoenix before summer school starts all in less than a month so I should have some more upbeat things to post about soon :)

Thanks for reading my thoughts